


You Lost Him

by wintersoldierswhore



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Angst, Bucky Barnes Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-27 21:16:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17169545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wintersoldierswhore/pseuds/wintersoldierswhore
Summary: Crossing boundaries and breaking a heart. Bucky's heart, to be exact. And yours.





	1. Overstepping Boundaries

It was a crowded night in the compound. Everyone was having fun after spending a lot of time stressing over or planning events so Tony decided to give a tiny little party with alcohol. Even though they weren’t affected by it, they had a lot of alcohol. You were having a good time, more than you’d hoped. Until Bucky came in like a storm. He grabbed your arm and made you stand up from the couch you were sitting. You never experienced how loud and intimidating he could be. “What the fuck were you thinking?” he yelled at your ear. You felt like the whole room froze, someone turned the music off.

 

“W-what?” you asked confused. Steve tried to make him let your arm go but Buck slowly pushed him. “Stay out of this Steve. It’s between Y/N and me.”

 

“You kinda made it our business when you barged into the party and ruined the mood Bucky,” said Nat. She was overly protective of you.

 

“If you knew what she has done, you’d be on my side Nat.” he let you go so quickly, you trembled. 

 

“Tell them what you have done with your little friends from college,” he said with a threatening voice. He was scary as hell.

 

Then it hit you. You were caught. “I had good intentions, I swear. I’m so sorry,” you said, your voice was shaken. You honestly had good intentions but you also knew that the road to hell was paved with good intentions.

 

“I made a deal with my friends so that they would flirt with Bucky. I gave them his daily routine so that they’d meet him in random places and show an interest in him,” you confessed. It sounded even more stupid when you say it out loud. 

Wanda gasped and Steve’s face expression was talking with capital words. Big, big words. You felt so exposed, like a child in elementary school who was punished. Everyone was looking at you with a disapproving look on their faces.

 

“Because I’m such a miserable guy who couldn’t find someone to date on his own, right? Great idea! Let’s humiliate the guy with one arm more!!” he said, throwing his hands to the air. This was the first time you were scared of Bucky. He wouldn’t hurt you, physically, but he’d put up a big fight that’d break your relationship for sure and he had every right to do so.

 

“How did you figure this out anyway?” you asked as you bit your lip, you were about to cry. Mocking laughter escaped from his lips. “Because I’m more than what you think of me. I am an agent and a soldier. I can understand when someone is hiding things. ” he said coming at you again. “Also, using your school’s pen or carrying the same textbook you were reading last week didn’t help your friends with hiding." 

 

"I’ve never felt more humiliated my whole life,” he said in a broken voice, he was watching his feet. “I am not some desperate guy who can’t get laid Y/N. I don’t date because I want to make sure that I’m okay first. I want to heal, to come to a term where I’m comfortable with meeting new people. So don’t get your nose into my business ever again.” he said and left you standing in the middle of the room with thousands of judgemental voices.

"Great job at breaking someone who was already a bit broken,“ Nat said. Sam was fake clapping your success of tearing Bucky in half. Even you didn’t know what you were thinking about this plan. 

 

"He liked you, platonically.” Steve cleared his throat. “You must really hurt him. I’ve never seen him this furious. You know, Bucky is not an angry person usually.”

 

“Fix this,” Wanda whispered. “Don’t hurt him ever again." 

 

You left the party crying and walked to your room. You never wanted to leave your bed again. Hiding here, crying and suffering by yourself felt like this was what you deserved. Peter brought you food and tried to console you but it didn’t work at all. 

 

After three days of hiding, Steve found you. He couldn’t keep away when it was about Bucky.

 

"Hey,” he said as he entered your room. You were lying in bed underneath thousands of blankets. “Hi there Smeagol,” he said again, smiling kindly. You smiled when he mad a LOTR reference since you made him watch it. 

 

“I know that hiding feels good but you can’t keep hiding your whole life.” He was sitting on your bed, you laid on your back. “Watch me hide for ten years.” Your voice sounded so hoarse. 

 

He chuckled. “Not to pressure you or anything but I think you owe Bucky a better apologie.”

 

You whined and covered your face. “Are you my conscious? It’s been telling me the same thing. You two are the worst.” Before you punch Steve’s arm, he grabbed your hand in a reflex. “Sorry, work-related habit." 

 

"But like seriously, Bucky hasn’t left his room since the party night and I think it’s time for both of you to talk it out.”

 

“I feel like if I talk to him and give him a closure that he needs, he won’t ever want to talk to me again.”

 

“Can you blame him?” he asked, arching his eyebrow. 

 

“I hate that you are so right and I am so wrong Cap." 

 

He sighed and started to walk out of your room. "I hate to be the most mature person in this relationship but you gotta fix this kiddo. Get up, take a shower for the sake of our strong sense of smell and go talk to him,” he said and left the room as you flipped your middle finger to him. 

 

So that’s what you did. You got your shit together and walked to his room, bracing yourself for his anger.

 

“Hey,” you said, he was doing something on his laptop laying on his bed. His jaw clenched when he saw you and closed the computer. 

 

“What are you doing in my room?”   
“I am here to apologize." 

 

"Won’t work, go back to where you were plotting your little ideas.”

 

“Buck.” you reached out to him, sitting on his bed. He flinched and moved away from you.

 

“You know, I liked you and I was gonna ask you out before this,” he confessed, his voice felt like coming from far far away. 

“Liked,” you said, “Past tense?" 

 

"I can never be with you, knowing what you think about me. You think that I’m something to be fixed and maybe I am, but you can’t fix me. I can fix me.” Bucky said the tone of his voice changed when he said the last sentence. “I feel like you felt sorry for me like I’m some kind of charity case. It hurts so bad, the woman I like thinks so little of me." 

"I don’t think those things about you. I just wanted you to be more open." 

 

That made him angrier as if that was possible, the anger was vibrating through his body. He looked at you like you grew a second head. "That’s not for you to decide! I am not a child! I am not some kind of a game you play on your computer. I AM A REAL PERSON WITH FEELINGS Y/N." 

 

"I am sorry. I know this won’t fix things but I’m so sorry Buck." 

 

"Just get out and take your lying ass with you! I don’t want you in my life, okay? We are not friends anymore, don’t come near me or my life. Act like you don’t know me because I’ll do that.” He said and reopened his computer. With nothing to do, you left his room and the compound too. You couldn’t live with him knowing that you lost him. You lost him.


	2. Working On

Hating someone was easy. Guilt tripping others for your mistakes too. But hating yourself was so hard, so intense that sometimes you couldn’t breathe. You simply were not living for the past three weeks, you were trying to survive. After leaving the compound you moved to the other side of the city with one of your friends from college. You didn’t hear any of your old friends. Not once. Not even Tony called you once after training you to hack computers for that long. You fucked up all you built with just one mistake.

And you thought you could just move on, trying to act like you didn’t do what you did but the truth was hard to ignore. Whatever you do, wherever you go, it was there. He was there.

The last time you saw Bucky didn’t leave your head even a minute. The coldness and harshness of his words, the way he kicked you out of his room. The fact that you lost him because of something you had done.

You removed your bra without taking your shirt off as soon as you walked into your new apartment and placed the wine you bought on the floor when you heard a strange noise. Someone was in your apartment and that someone was not your roommate. “I keep clearing my throat for you to notice but I can try coughing if you like,” Nat said, sitting on your couch.

“What the fuck?!” you asked, trying not to throw your keys to her face. She had no right to violate your privacy like this. Even when you were friends and had a relationship, it was not alright for her to come into your life after what had happened.

“You look good,” she lied, knowing that if she was honest about your appearance, you would stab her right there. Or you could try to stab her, she smirked. The truth was you look liked a university student who was working her ass off to balance her priorities. Experiencing heartbreak and studying for finals was not going really well for you. All you wanted was to drink your wine and watch Netflix until you magically fall asleep.

“Liar,” you said, turning your back to her, to remove your shoes. The bra was resting in your hand. “You could just text, you know?” You felt embarrassed that she witnessed the way you just strip out of your underwear in front of her. You knew your roommate was going to be late so you wanted to enjoy your solitude, not knowing how noisy Nat could be. After not hearing from anyone you thought they moved on and to be honest, it felt like they would be better without you. They were all grown-ups, some of them were alive more than a decade, and you were immature. Kept making stupid mistakes.

She sat straight and watched you as you switched the lights on. “You changed your number you dumbfuck, I couldn’t call you,” she spat. So you made her furious too, as you did to Bucky. You couldn’t help but ruining your relationships, it seemed. It was just an old habit. If you have something that was valuable, you probably didn’t deserve it. So before they broke it off, you broke them. Destructive.

“Yet you are sitting in my new apartment which I hid in it Nat,” you replied. “Cut the bullshit and start talking. Why are you here?”

Nat smiled or at least tried to smile because she was so sick of being the bigger, smarter person in the room. Often she felt like she was the mother of all the Avengers, constantly fixing what they broke. This was the first time she failed. She couldn’t fix what you had done to Bucky. 

He was mad and sad at the same time. Bucky thought the anger wouldn’t fade away and his feelings towards you would just go away. But after three weeks of not seeing you, Bucky was hitting the rock bottom. He didn’t forgive himself for not forgiving you. “I always thought when you liked someone you could forgive them easily,” he confessed to Steve as they sat down on the table, trying to comfort him. Nat was just observing how a hundred-year-old man was processing a heartbreak. He was not handling it very well and she knew no matter how many times they talked to him about you, you were the only one who could give him any kind of comfort. “You need to come back Y/N,” she said finally. It took her a week to decide whether she should find you or not. There was no easy way. She had to bring you back for him. “You need to come back and talk to him,”

“I think I have done enough damage, thank you very much,” you replied, taking a glass from the kitchen and opening up the wine bottle. Nat arched her eyebrow as she watched you taking a sip from your drink. “Aren’t you going to ask me if I want to a glass of wine?” She was going to rile you up so that you would talk about your feelings, anger made people talk.

“You are not invited and this wine is mine. Whole bottle. Sorry, not sorry,”  
“You are really something, you know?” she hissed as you sat on the seat across her. The room was feeling like an investigation room more than a living room now. You knew she had questions. Nat knew you had questions. You bit your lip to stop yourself from asking about him but couldn’t resist to your urge more than five seconds.

“H-how is he doing?” you asked after drinking the second glass, trying to look neutral. Before that none of you uttered a word. Nat was waiting for you to break because she knew you were not good at processing emotions either. Two dumbfucks who cannot understand their feelings, she thought. Perfect fucking pair.

“Not very well,” she answered, trying to look indifferent. She was going to make you beg. You had to beg her for her to give you any kind of information about Bucky’s wellbeing. In that case, his not-so-well-being. He was a huge mess. Bucky was torn apart between feeling angry and guilty. He wouldn’t tell you about his feelings if it weren’t for your little plot against him but he wouldn’t feel like shit if it didn’t happen. He would still wake up and see you in the kitchen when you were trying to cook. He could still call you as his friend, even though he wanted more. You groaned after watching Nat’s blank face. She was playing you like a cat played mouse. 

“Talk Nat,” you pleaded. You wanted to hear about him. That was the only thing you could do about Bucky. Hearing about him from other people. Ouch.  
“Promise me you will consider coming back to the compound and I will talk,”   
You trailed your finger on your glass, thinking about how to brace yourself for Bucky’s wrath. He had every right to be angry and you didn’t know what to do for him to forgive you. After spending that much time alone thinking and playing the same scene over and over in your head, you now knew how badly you fucked him up. There was no healing from that. 

“Promise,” you said, taking a huge sip from the wine. You didn’t have the courage to face with the wreckage you left behind without the buzzing feeling alcohol gave you. Nat looked at your face, straightly looked, like she was trying to read your mind.

“You need to come and talk to him,” she said and grabbed her jacket, not giving you a chance to stop her. You ran after and yelled behind but she didn’t pay any attention to you. She planted the seed and she knew you would be there. She just knew.

image

 

Bucky was sitting in the common room when he heard your voice mixing up with Sam’s. Your laughter made him feel at ease, he was thinking that maybe you were over the drama. He hoped that you were doing better, no matter what happened. 

You were trying to hide how nervous you were. “Is he here?” you asked Sam and the look in his eyes made you melt. Sam was worried, the big goofy guy was worried about you. He nodded and put his hand on your shoulder, giving a supportive squeeze. “You are going to be better,” he whispered and left you alone in the common room with Bucky.

He was looking at you with a sad expression. His hands were on his knees and his hair was short. “James?” you asked, you were so hesitant. It felt like you were not supposed to be there anymore. 

“I am sorry,” you both said at the same moment. “Wait, why are you sorry?” you asked and stopped him with your hand. “Can I talk first, please? I’ve practised this speech for too long and I’m scared that if you say something I’ll forget it,” He smiled and nodded as you took a step closer to him. 

“I am sorry,” you said, your words were stuck in your throat. “I thought if other people liked you, you would like yourself too and I know how fucked up and wrong that was. I had no right to meddle into your business like that. I am terribly sorry and believe me when I say this: I would take back the time and slap myself if I could. I never meant to feel like you were something to be fixed,” you took a breath to stop yourself from crying. If you started, you wouldn’t stop. “I was just trying to keep myself busy with your life to deal with my own shit and I had no right to do so, I hope that you can forgive me,”

Bucky sighed and massaged between his eyebrows. He never broke the eye contact he was making with you as he listened and you wished you could read his mind. 

“Do you think I’m broken?” he asked, grimacing his face. His heartbeat was so fast that he couldn’t hear anything else.

“I think you are perfect,” you answered with moisty eyes. You never talked about your feelings with him. “I think I’m the one who is broken,” you rolled your eyes and a tear spilt. “I keep trying to fix things that are not even broken,” 

Bucky stood up from his seat and walked to you in three big steps to hold you in his arms. He was still angry at you but his longing was stronger than any feeling he had. He was craving your presence since the day he realised it was not that easy to get over you. “We really really fucked each other up,” he whispered. He couldn’t believe that he was hugging you, he couldn’t belive how anger was fading away with the smell of you. It was so stupid to just ening things when you both wanted each other this much.

“I can’t breath,” you whined when he pulled you tighter. Bucky wanted to crash you into his body so that you could never leave again. “Can you forgive me?” you asked, he could feel the vibration on your chest. He sighed. “In one condition,” he replied, holding you a little more before pulling away to take a good look at you. “Never ever leave again, even if I tell you to,” he finished his sentence and looked in your eyes and you leaned into him, reaching on your tiptoes to peck a kiss on his lips. “Never tell me to leave then,” you sassed as he rested his forehead on yours. You really fucked things up and it was going to take time for both of you to heal but you were both there and you were okay. The rest, you needed to work on together.


End file.
